Remember that November holistic skincare challenge thing I posted about? Well, it's time to let the first part of the secret unveil, and to be honest, it's a rather dirty little one - and talking about it is very difficult and personal for me. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm an obsessive compulsive picker, and I hereby vow to stop picking on myself from now on - forever.
Let me explain: I'm not just your usual Mary who picks a bit of dry skin here and there or squeezes out a particularly unsightly whitehead. No... Almost every day I scratch my face, dig out any clogged pores, pick at even the smallest bumps until I look like a prisoner of war against my own body. Not only that - I pick at my cuticles, I scratch my eczema, I bite my lips until they bleed. Until a couple days ago, I lived in denial; I knew that what I'd been doing was wrong, but then my skin is pretty crappy anyways, so what difference does it make if I pick?
Then, following
Fran's suggestion (I'm signed up for her newsletter, very inspirational!), I read
the online book 'Stop Picking on Me' and promised myself never to do it again. If you're a fellow picker, I highly recommend it; it's eye-opening. Picking is so much more than just a bad habit, it really is an illness of the mind and the body. I've also decided to document my progress here week by week to keep myself on track, and hopefully help some of you who might be suffering from it as well. It might not be pretty, so if you're of a delicate disposition, I suggest you skip these posts altogether. Anyways... read on to find out about my struggles during the first week of not picking.
Day 1 (Oct 27): I've just started reading 'Stop Picking on Me' and, a couple pages in, decide to try to do my best and STOP. Many passages in the book ring very true to my experiences, which is making me emotional; I'm starting to realize that my picking is not so much about the acne on my face, but personal insecurities that have been impeding my happiness. I really want to start the recovery, even if it proves very difficult. I don't want to hate my body anymore, I don't want to feel the shame and the guilt, I just want to start loving myself, skin and all, a bit more.
Day 2 (Oct 28): Still reading the book; I'm now on the part where the author recounts personal stories of other pickers. It brings tears to my eyes, and I want to give a big hug to all the pickers - myself included. I've also noticed how many times a day I touch my face with my fingertips, looking for bumps and imperfections to work on - I've decided to avoid touching my face at all. I also decide to tell my husband about my habit (well, he probably knew anyhow) and my decision to stop picking, just to have someone to keep me in check so that I cannot go back. I'm proud of myself for overcoming the shame, but I lose focus for a couple minutes and voila, I just picked a cuticle.
Day 3 (Oct 29): I'm being positive that I can do this, I keep on repeating little affirmations to myself, like 'Your body is smarter than you think, it can and will heal', 'Let it be', 'You already are that unique, beautiful person, acne or no acne'. We're driving to Tacoma for a blacklight bouldering competition Mr. signed up for; I'm taking a white scarf with tassles so that my hands have something to play with on the way. The day is rather busy, luckily I have little time to obsess over my face as my hands are full taking photos.
Day 4 (Oct 30): I get into a bit of a bad mood in the morning and I'm not so sure anymore if I can do it; even if I don't go stand in front of the mirror to pick away, it's so difficult to resist touching my face or scratching at my bacne. I feel like a bad person, I hide under the blanket and bite down hard on my lip, and there's a cystic bump starting to appear on my chin. I wear cotton gloves while watching a TV show on Hulu; that's when my idle fingers usually start inching toward my face. Mr. calls me Michael Jackson. I manage to get over myself, we run a bunch of errands and also pick up a few supplements at Whole Foods; I'm feeling a tinge of hope that maybe they'll help in clearing my acne a bit as well. I do an at-home microdermabrasion at night to get rid of some of the flakies that I can no longer pick (but I still did pick a couple).
Day 5 (Oct 31): I feel a bit better and try to work on my positive thinking. I start jutting down some inspirational quotes in my agenda to reread when I'm feeling especially low. I'm also thinking about starting a craft that would keep my fingers occupied and channel that nervous energy; maybe beading or crocheting? A crochet scarf with little flowers would be super cute for the season :) I look in the mirror and see some of the old breakouts healing nicely, but the cystic bump is looking quite angry and it feels itchy, which is driving me mad... Will it really heal on its own?
Day 6 (Nov 1): After being really good for the whole day, I start picking again while doing my night-time skincare routine - the yesterday's spot has also been joined by a friend right next to it. I'm feeling pretty disappointed in myself and even want to withdraw from the whole challenge, but decide to wait until the morning. I also realize I should absolutely not lean in closer to the mirror in the bathroom; there is always going to be something I'd be tempted to pick!
Day 7 (Nov 2): Fortunately, none of the spots I picked yesterday became inflamed, so now I just have to wait until the little wounds dry up. The cystic bump of the week is slowly shrinking and going away, so I guess this answers my question, yes it does really heal without my poking around it (I left this one alone during yesterday's picking session). I forget to wear my cotton gloves, so some back scratching ensues, but not too bad overall. I've just posted about my November skincare challenge, so it's official now and there's no turning back - and have also got some awesome comments, I'm feeling very grateful for my blogging friends. Fingers crossed I can pick less (or even not at all!) next week :)
Let me know if this is of any use to you - I might just post another short update at the end of the month if this is too gross/personal/difficult to understand, or I could write in the same weekly format with more tips and tricks I'm picking up along the way. Just let me know in the comments, lovelies!
First of all, PMD is an electric device with which you can give yourself an at-home microdermabrasion treatment. It features a rotating head (in two different sizes, smaller for face, larger for body) covered in aluminum oxide crystals, which are used in the professional microdermabrasion machines, as well as as a sucking action so that the device has a better contact with the skin, but also to sweep away the dead skin cells that are being polished off. The device needs to be plugged in when in use (it doesn't have a rechargeable battery like, say, Clarisonic) and comes with the cord, two each of the small and big heads in the sensitive and more abrasive variety (blue and green respectively) and an instructional DVD.
As of today, I've tried the device for the total of 4 times on my face, roughly once a week. I only used the sensitive head, which is recommended when you're first starting out. Before using it on my face, I tried it on the back of my hand, just to get used to the feeling. I usually start around my forehead, then do the nose and cheeks and finish with my chin. The whole process probably takes around 3 minutes. Also, I had a professional microdermabrasion once, and to be completely honest, I wasn't too impressed with the results.
I will say that the sensation is not exactly pleasant, especially towards the middle of my face; the skin is quite pink and sensitive for the next 24 hours or so. Also, right after using the device, I still notice a whole lot of dry skin around my face that was invisible to the naked eye before. It definitely does remove a lot of dead skin - the flakies gather inside the device, so that's a visible proof of how much you're polishing off. However, in terms of noticeable general skin improvement, I haven't noticed that much of a change. Serums and treatments seem to absorb better afterwards and the skin feels softer, but my pores are still exactly the same size and the number of breakouts has not diminished either; I'm also still as oily as before, even more so in the first day or two after using the device. I will continue to use PMD once a week, because I believe it deserves a longer trial period, especially because there's a number of variables that might be influencing my skin right now - I tried my best not to introduce anything new besides the device, but still.... To sum it up, for now, it doesn't work miracles on my skin and I would hesitate to purchase considering the price ($179).
